I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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