Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
