I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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