I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
