u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize