Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
