about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
well, you know. whores of a feather.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
