dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize