My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
