I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
The best revenge is premature balding
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Randomize
