im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
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