I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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