It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
