Cold hands, warm shart.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize