So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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