His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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