Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize