They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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