Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
is it fun? or sober?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
