My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Dicks are not precious.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize