There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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