I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
i out mim tonsoeep
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
