You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
