I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Randomize
