we made out on top of his cat.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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