oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
