It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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