mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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