Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Randomize