Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
