Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
