and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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