I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
