She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
being pregnant is like rehab
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
