I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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