Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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