just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
