Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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