Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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