I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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