Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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