He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
