I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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