So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Randomize
