I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
