so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
PANTIES FOUND
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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