im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
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