Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
They have beer where we have blood.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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