God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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