theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
