I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize
