Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize