girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
