How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
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