just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
