I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Randomize
