I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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