Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
How external is "for external use only"?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
