i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
