Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
