Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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