I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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