my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Come share oat with me in your robe
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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