I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
