We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Randomize
