she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
And then my night got REAL pukey
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
