the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
